Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
