he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
