Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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