I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
