I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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