i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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