If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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