Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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