....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
