if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize