I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
