Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
