If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
