i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
