you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
