I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
