I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
