Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
