happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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