um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
