I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
