Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I think I am morally bankrupt
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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