why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
