The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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