remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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