i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
