please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
