Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
