I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize