mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
