you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just googled if crying burns calories
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
