I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
