She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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