Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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