I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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