there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
