david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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