between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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