you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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