the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Enjoy the penises
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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