The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
