somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
