I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
