Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
