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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
