just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
