also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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