Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
