Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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