i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
