its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
