It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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