Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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