worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Pooping to opera.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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