I wish I could punch you in the face.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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