Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
