Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
