...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
