mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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