WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
