Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
