when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
