So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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