Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
