In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry about my life...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
