Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
