guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
