My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
