i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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