your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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