Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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